The Baddest Thing I Ever Did

You ask me, “What was the baddest thing you ever did?”

Your seven-year-old innocence hanging there, between us in the air.

At first I shrug, where do I begin?

Someday maybe I’ll share…the baddest thing I ever did:

I said yes when I wish I’d said no…loss of me, loss of health, loss of time for my self.

Too ashamed to write down the details here, after all this time, still filled with fear.

Fear, you’ll love me less, if you only knew.

True love of me – a cliché I know, but one that is true.

Too much, too deep, too painful to pass along – even after all this time,

so I hold it all in and I answer you back,

“Oh, I did my share, but the baddest thing I did was not be honest to others,

to say yes when I wish I’d said no.”

Then I ask you back, “What was the baddest thing you ever did?”

You shrug.

Why didn’t I stick with that?

(A poem for our youngest, 2005)

—from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story