Reflections of a Daughter of the Silent Generation and Mother of Generation Y
In support of a member facing a cancer diagnosis, her team had handed out bracelets with the words No One FIGHTS Alone! Running errands and thinking of this fierce, kind and resilient athlete, I pulled into Dunkin Donuts for an afternoon pick-up. When the guy in front of me bought my cup of coffee, it was the high five I needed, reminding me to reach out to others too.
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
Dear Higher Power, Please help me to take heroic measures to love and care for Mom, to help her continue to live healthy and well – not to prolong the time when she is failing and unwell. Please help me to never give up, and also to let go when the time comes. Please help me to honor Mom while she is alive, and also when she dies. A DNR – natural death – is the right choice – it’s a choice my Mom has made. It’s a choice I agree with. It’s a choice that hurts and relieves. It’s a choice I need to respect. Please help me to find peace with Mom’s DNR. Thy will be done. Amen
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
AA’s Step Two: “Came to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.” When offering Mom the paper birds to touch and the memory of our home in Wisconsin to connect didn’t soothe her, I took down the mobile and put it in a drawer. Sometimes, we just gotta believe someone we trust can take our worries away. (Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions)
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
In response to the carpenter’s “this place is jinxed,” I chose Paradiso blue for the upstairs floor. Thank God for humor, animals, friendship and faith for keeping me on track; those, and Mom, who was not one bit superstitious and who knew paradise when she saw it, even with one eye.
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
AA’s Step Twelve: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” This meant being present in the moment, right here, right now, maybe not all of the time, however, more and more of the time. (Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions)
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
I met Hannah when I coached her on a fast-pitch softball team. I never anticipated that it would be Hannah, ten years later, who’d help us care for Mom. No surprise, Hannah was a great teammate!
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
While I respected that church was the best way for some to worship, it wasn’t the only way. I was grateful for all the diverse experiences that had helped me develop a faith that guided me daily and set me free.
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
AA’s Step Eleven: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of our Higher Power’s will for us and the power to carry that out.” When I’m feeling anxious and need a hand to hold, I can hold my own. Then I’ll find my hands are joined in prayer, and I am not alone. (Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions)
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
From my diary two years before, as I stepped into the shoes of health care agent:
Please help me to care for Mom,
to stay in the moment with her while getting her the health care she needs,
to keep her safe while supporting her independence,
to collaborate with the boys and all the rest,
to meet her needs as well as those of the others in my life, and
to stay right here, right now, while figuring out what’s next.
Thank you for helping us to help her.
Amen
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
Safe and sound in a familiar routine – A daring cross-country move
Leaving a community of awesome people – Moving to another community of awesome people
The Midwest Prairie – The Atlantic Ocean
Encouragement – Discouragement
Remembering Mom’s “Go For It” and Dad’s “Don’t let the weather get in the way” – The Reality of Mom’s five-day hospital stay
Mom saying she’s so glad she’s here – Then forgetting where here is
Mom insisting she does not need a doctor – A doctor is exactly what she needs
An intestinal bleed due to too little clotting – Deep vein thrombosis due to too much clotting
Warm welcomes – Cold shoulders
A medicine that stops a clot in its path – The same medicine threatens another bleed
Worrying whether I pushed too hard to get Mom back – Witnessing her joyful reunions with my brothers and their families
Feeling alone at 4 AM – Feeling support at 9 AM when brother Dob surprises me with coffee
Questioning whether I’m fit for this job, after another sleepless night – Refinding my way, thanks to a prayer written by Megan, a dear friend in the Midwest
An unfinished house – Everyone involved going above and beyond to get it ready
Mom speculating about my spouse’s love life – He at our new home, cleaning and prepping, for our return
A compression sock that hurts so much to put on – A compression sock that helps her leg to heal
Night four in the hospital spent trying to climb over bed rails – Day five heralding freedom in the form of discharge, after she tells the doc she’s in no rush to get out
Nonsensical at bedtime, so exhausted from the week – Clarity the next day, as we go to our new home:
“Portland…” she says, when we drive though the city
“It hasn’t changed a bit,” she adds, as we turn up the road of my childhood home
“It’s so big and blue,” she observes after we wheel her seaside, her eyes tearing up
Afternoon spent watching boats go by – Evening spent worrying that she needs to pack
My repeated assurance that we are not going anywhere – We are home for good.
Letting Go of Expectations, as they say in A.A. – Holding on to what’s helped before: my husband and kids, cousins and friends, research and advocacy, love and faith
Thank you.
Amen.
—from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
