Reflections of a Daughter of the Silent Generation and Mother of Generation Y
As my concern for Berry the Beagle grew, my childhood friend Kathy dropped in, offering to hang with Mom while I took Berry to the animal hospital. A couple days later I met my childhood friend Nancy at the mall. We laughed so hard the back of my head throbbed. I needed to work on whatever those muscles were. I had a feeling I’d need ’em.
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
I’ve been called many things by those who are supposed to know me best:
“hypersensitive”, “too emotional”, even “nuts.”
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get to a place where their words don’t cause me pain.
Probably not…that’s one of the costs of being:
“hypersensitive”, “too emotional”, even “nuts.”
Here are some things I’ve realized, moving back to where I’m from:
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I don’t need to be loved by everybody, just by some.
I can choose those who accept sensitivity, emotionality and even nuttiness.
I can live with the anger I feel at expectations unmet,
the fear I feel at being judged, and the sadness I feel at being rejected.
I can take care of me, even when it’s difficult –
exercise, hydration, nutrition, sleep, writing, friendship, animals, family, faith –
The healing these bring is within reach.
This is the way to take care of me, not believing what I am told when I am not who others want me to be.
“Hypersensitive”, “too emotional”, even “nuts” – yes!
With these three things, I’ve been blessed.
—from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
I met Hannah when I coached her on a fast-pitch softball team. I never anticipated that it would be Hannah, ten years later, who’d help us care for Mom. No surprise, Hannah was a great teammate!
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
Deep vein thrombosis, her leg all swollen and blue, and we feared a bleed.
On blood thinner now, filter protecting her lungs, home to recover.
Compression stocking, why are you so freakin’ tight? No more blood clots, right?
Noticing the bench, “I played piano on that…” she says with a smile.
“Is that Mother’s chair?” I nod at the needlepoint, “Is she still around?”
“About the baby, can we make a plan to see?” a great grandma now.
Behind her at work, the builder pounding away, making our home sound.
Ever resilient, her eyes as blue as the sea, a cat with nine lives.
Mom sits with a book, dog in lap rocking a way, a smile on my face.
Eighty-five years young, expect the unexpected, one day at a time.
—from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
While I respected that church was the best way for some to worship, it wasn’t the only way. I was grateful for all the diverse experiences that had helped me develop a faith that guided me daily and set me free.
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
In celebration, I recommit to these goals set in March 2016, shortly after Mom moved in with us:
For Today:
Serenity
Courage
Wisdom
Speak quietly
Speak truth
Live and let live
Let go and let Love
❤️
Forgive
Embrace
Celebrate
—from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
AA’s Step Eleven: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of our Higher Power’s will for us and the power to carry that out.” When I’m feeling anxious and need a hand to hold, I can hold my own. Then I’ll find my hands are joined in prayer, and I am not alone. (Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions)
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
From my diary two years before, as I stepped into the shoes of health care agent:
Please help me to care for Mom,
to stay in the moment with her while getting her the health care she needs,
to keep her safe while supporting her independence,
to collaborate with the boys and all the rest,
to meet her needs as well as those of the others in my life, and
to stay right here, right now, while figuring out what’s next.
Thank you for helping us to help her.
Amen
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
Safe and sound in a familiar routine – A daring cross-country move
Leaving a community of awesome people – Moving to another community of awesome people
The Midwest Prairie – The Atlantic Ocean
Encouragement – Discouragement
Remembering Mom’s “Go For It” and Dad’s “Don’t let the weather get in the way” – The Reality of Mom’s five-day hospital stay
Mom saying she’s so glad she’s here – Then forgetting where here is
Mom insisting she does not need a doctor – A doctor is exactly what she needs
An intestinal bleed due to too little clotting – Deep vein thrombosis due to too much clotting
Warm welcomes – Cold shoulders
A medicine that stops a clot in its path – The same medicine threatens another bleed
Worrying whether I pushed too hard to get Mom back – Witnessing her joyful reunions with my brothers and their families
Feeling alone at 4 AM – Feeling support at 9 AM when brother Dob surprises me with coffee
Questioning whether I’m fit for this job, after another sleepless night – Refinding my way, thanks to a prayer written by Megan, a dear friend in the Midwest
An unfinished house – Everyone involved going above and beyond to get it ready
Mom speculating about my spouse’s love life – He at our new home, cleaning and prepping, for our return
A compression sock that hurts so much to put on – A compression sock that helps her leg to heal
Night four in the hospital spent trying to climb over bed rails – Day five heralding freedom in the form of discharge, after she tells the doc she’s in no rush to get out
Nonsensical at bedtime, so exhausted from the week – Clarity the next day, as we go to our new home:
“Portland…” she says, when we drive though the city
“It hasn’t changed a bit,” she adds, as we turn up the road of my childhood home
“It’s so big and blue,” she observes after we wheel her seaside, her eyes tearing up
Afternoon spent watching boats go by – Evening spent worrying that she needs to pack
My repeated assurance that we are not going anywhere – We are home for good.
Letting Go of Expectations, as they say in A.A. – Holding on to what’s helped before: my husband and kids, cousins and friends, research and advocacy, love and faith
Thank you.
Amen.
—from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
Finding me awake and in tears, the nighttime nurse replied, “Your mom is 85. She has a complicated health history, with Alzheimer’s, diverticulitis, kidney disease, infection, limited activity level and dehydration. This clot is so big, it didn’t just happen in travel; this condition’s been developing for a while. This is not on you.” Thanks to her, I went from feeling alone to feeling the love.
—excerpt from Living Is for Living: A Caregiver’s Story
